Why Some Attorneys Can’t Work With an Amicable Client

You might think that if you hire a professional, they work for you. You pay the bill. You set the goals. You tell them what you want to achieve.

If you tell your attorney, "I want to work this out amicably with my spouse," you expect them to say, "Great. Let’s make that happen."

But in the divorce industry, that is often not what happens.

You might find yourself feeling like you are constantly fighting your own lawyer. You might feel like they are pushing you to be more aggressive than you want to be. You might feel like they are ignoring your instructions to settle.

The reason for this is rarely malice. It is often simply a matter of nature.

Some professionals simply can't not drive the process.

Their extensive experience being in the driver’s seat makes them comfortable approaching the case more aggressively. While this is the kind of lawyer some clients want, it is not a great fit for those seeking more control and less of a fight.

The "Driver" Personality

I talk a lot about the analogy of "Driving the Car." It is the best way to understand the power dynamics in a divorce.

You have to decide if you want to drive the car with your spouse, or if you want your attorneys to drive.

If you want to drive, that means you and your spouse are sitting in the front seats. You are making the decisions about your kids, your schedule, and your money. Your professionals are in the back seat. They are there to navigate, warn you about potholes, and keep you safe. But they are passengers.

Here is the problem.

Many divorce attorneys have spent their entire careers in the driver’s seat. They are trained to take control. They are trained to "protect" you by taking over. Their entire business model is built on the idea that you are incapable of making these decisions without them.

If you try to put a professional like that in the back seat, they won’t sit still. They will reach over your shoulder and grab the steering wheel.

They will file motions you didn't ask for. They will send aggressive letters that upset your spouse. They will turn a cooperative process into a combative one because they simply do not know how to be a passenger.

Matching the Professional to the Path

This is why I always tell people that you cannot just hire "a good lawyer." You have to hire the right lawyer for the specific path you have chosen.

The professionals who will suit your situation the best need to be compatible with the path that you have in mind.

If you choose a path like Mediation or Collaborative Divorce, you are choosing a path where you drive. You are choosing a path where the goal is to reach an agreement together.

If you bring a traditional litigator into that environment, it is like bringing a bull into a china shop. They will destroy the delicate work you are trying to do, not because they are evil, but because they are in the wrong environment.

You have to realize that you can choose your own path. You can create that path together. You can drive the car.

But you can only do it if you find professionals who are willing to support you rather than take over.

How to Spot a "Back Seat" Attorney

So how do you avoid hiring a driver when you need a navigator?

You have to interview them specifically for the role.

When you sit down with a potential attorney, don't just ask about their hourly rate. Ask them about their philosophy. Ask them explicitly:

"I want to reach an agreement with my spouse outside of court. Are you comfortable taking direction from me, or do you prefer to be in charge of the strategy?"

It is a bold question. But you need a bold answer.

You can also look for specific credentials. Look for professionals who are members of organizations like Colorado Collaborative Divorce Professionals.

These are folks who have gone through specific training to learn how to lower conflict. They have learned alternative dispute resolution skills. They have essentially been trained on how to sit in the back seat and be effective without being controlling.

Don't Be Afraid to Switch Seats

If you are currently working with an attorney who is refusing to listen to you, you need to pay attention to that friction.

If you feel like you are losing control, it is probably because you are.

Once contested issues are placed before a judge, you give up control over the final decision. If your lawyer insists on steering you toward litigation when your goal is settlement, thats a serious mismatch that should be addressed quickly. You have the right to fire a driver who is taking you somewhere you don't want to go; you don’t have to take the backseat.

Having the right professionals is the best way to ensure that the divorce you get is one where you were able to make informed decisions for your outcome. 

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