Driving the D Car: How to Stay in Control of Your Divorce

You want to know what the number one thing most couples miss in divorce? It isn't the finances. It isn't the legal terms. It is the simple realization that they have a choice in who holds the steering wheel.

Most people assume that once the divorce papers are filed, they are strapped into a roller coaster. They think they just have to hold on and scream until it is over.

But that is not how it has to work. I use the analogy of driving a car. Specifically, what I call "Driving the D Car."

You have to ask yourself a fundamental question right at the start. Where do you want to be with your spouse in the divorce process?

Do you want to be driving the D car, working together with your spouse, perhaps with a professional up front helping you navigate? Or do you want your attorneys driving the car while you sit helplessly in the back seat?

This blog explains the different 'seats' you can be in, and why collaboration with the right team is often the best path to take. Do you want to save time & money on your divorce? You've got to plan ahead. Let's chat- Click here!

The Front Seat vs. The Back Seat

When I say "Driving the D Car," I am talking about decision-making power.

If you and your spouse are in the front seats, you are the ones deciding the destination. You are deciding the speed. You are deciding if you want to take a break or if you want to push through.

In this scenario, your professionals (your attorney, your financial analyst, your mediator) are still in the car. But they are in the back seat.

They are there to read the map. They are there to warn you about traffic ahead. They are there to tell you if you are running out of gas. But they are not touching the wheel.

This creates a dynamic where the professionals support your life goals rather than you supporting their legal process.

The Danger of Being a Passenger

Now consider the alternative. This is what happens in a traditional litigation model.

You hire an attorney and you say, "Take care of this for me." You climb into the back seat. Your spouse hires an attorney and climbs into their back seat.

Now you have two lawyers driving two different cars, often playing a game of chicken on the highway.

If you let your attorneys drive the car, they are going to drive you to the only destination they know. They are going to drive you to court.

And here is the hard truth about that destination: If you go to court, you lose 100% of the control of the process.

You think you are hiring a shark to get control, but you are actually handing 100% of your autonomy to a judge who doesn't know you, doesn't know your kids, and has 500 other cases on their docket. That judge decides when you see your children. That judge decides how your assets are split. You become a spectator in your own life.

The Paradox: Give Up Control to Keep Control

So how do you stay in the driver's seat without crashing the car? You need structure.

I was talking to a client recently who was going to go with the collaborative process. He and his wife talked about it and decided it was a great fit. But he confessed to me that he was nervous.

He said he was nervous about giving up some of the control to all the other professionals in the process.

He felt that by signing a collaborative participation agreement, he was losing his freedom to just "do whatever he wanted."

I told him what I will tell you: You've got to give up control to retain control.

It sounds like a paradox, but it is true. The collaborative process provides structure and framework.

By agreeing to a rigid structure, one where you commit to transparency, full disclosure, and no court, you are giving up the "control" to act impulsively or hide money. But in exchange, you are retaining the ultimate control over the outcome.

You are building a container that forces you and your spouse to stay at the wheel until you reach a solution that works for both of you.

Taking the Keys

If you want to drive the D Car, you have to be intentional about it. You cannot just hope it happens.

You have to find professionals who are comfortable sitting in the back seat.

Many attorneys are not. They are too used to taking the wheel and using their own judgement based on previous cases they’ve encountered. They may even tell you that you are "waiving your rights" by not fighting more aggressively. And some might try to scare you into taking the passenger seat.

If you want to stay in control of your divorce, you need to set the rules of the road, and know the direction you want to take. Get in touch with me today to plan ahead and save big on the divorce process!