Hot Take: You and Your Spouse Should Pick Divorce Attorneys Together

If you are just starting the divorce process, you probably feel like you are on a secret mission. You might be browsing websites in "incognito mode" late at night. You might be asking friends for referrals in hushed tones. You’re terrified that your spouse will find out who you are calling before you are ready.

The conventional wisdom says you should keep your cards close to your vest. It says you need to secure the "best" attorney before your spouse does. It treats the hiring process like an arms race.

But I am going to give you a piece of advice that flies in the face of all that convention.

What is one of the best things you can do with your spouse? Pick your attorneys together.

I know that sounds counterintuitive. It might even sound dangerous. But in my experience, keeping your attorney search a secret is actually one of the biggest mistakes people make. 

The Secret Arms Race

When you hide your attorney search, you are operating out of fear. And guess what? Your spouse is doing the exact same thing.

You are afraid they are going to hire a shark who will take all your money. They are afraid you are going to hire a shark who will take the kids. Because of this mutual fear, you both end up hiring the most aggressive lawyers you can find just to "protect" yourselves.

The result? You both end up with professionals who are built for war. You inadvertently escalate the conflict before a single document is filed.

By keeping secrets, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of a high-conflict divorce.

You Are Not Sharing a Lawyer

Let me clarify something immediately. When I say "pick your attorneys together," I do not mean you should share the same attorney or that you should pick for your former spouse.

In almost every jurisdiction, one attorney cannot represent both parties in a divorce. That is a conflict of interest. You need your own advocate and your own legal advice.

What I mean is that you should coordinate the pool of professionals you are choosing from.

You want to ensure that whoever you pick and whoever they pick are both playing by the same rules. You want to ensure that both attorneys are committed to keeping you out of court.

The Strategy: The List of Five or Seven

So, how do you actually do this without it getting awkward or tense? You don't just hand your spouse a name and say "hire this guy." You build a vetted list together.

Here is the specific strategy I recommend to clients:

Find a list of 5 or 7 professionals that you guys want to start interviewing.

You sit down and agree on a source for this list. You want to look for attorneys who are specifically trained in Collaborative Law or Mediation. These are professionals who have opted out of the litigation model. They have special training in de-escalating conflict rather than inflaming it.

You can go to resources like the Colorado Collaborative Divorce Professionals website or a similar local directory. Pick out some folks you like.

Once you have that list of five to seven names, you agree to a simple pact: "We will both hire someone from this list."

Total Transparency Works

Once the list is built, you start making your calls. But instead of hiding in the other room, try being more open about it.

Call them up. Tell each other what you're doing and who you're going to use.

You might say, "Hey, I really liked Sarah from our list. I think I'm going to move forward with her." Your spouse might say, "Okay, I felt a good connection with Mike. I'll hire him."

Because Sarah and Mike are both on your vetted collaborative list, you already know they respect each other. You know they aren't going to drag you into unnecessary court battles. You know they have a working relationship that is based on solving problems rather than creating billable hours.

It takes much of the fear out of the equation for both parties.

Why This Works

I have seen clients use this strategy time and time again. It works great.

It works because it re-establishes trust at the very moment trust is usually breaking down. It sends a powerful signal to your spouse that you are not out to get them. It says, "I am hiring a peacemaker, not a warrior, and I expect you to do the same."

It also saves you a fortune.

If you hire a litigator and they hire a litigator, you are setting fire to your family's net worth. If you coordinate your hiring to ensure you are both in a collaborative process, you are protecting your assets for your future and your children.

So stop hiding your browser history. Stop whispering on the phone. Sit down with your spouse and build your list together. It is the best first step to help ensure a more amicable divorce process. We can help start that process the right way! Schedule a call here.