How Collaborative Divorce Protects You From Yourself

When I talk to people about Collaborative Divorce, they often get the wrong impression. They hear the word "collaborative" and they assume it is soft. They picture a process designed for couples who are best friends, holding hands, and singing "Kumbaya" while they happily split their assets.

That could not be further from the truth.

Collaborative Divorce isn't about being nice. It is about being safe.

I often explain to my clients that the collaborative process acts like a protective shell. It is a rigid container that you build around your family. But it’s not there to stop the attorneys from fighting, it is there to protect you from yourself.

The Enemy Within

We like to think we are rational, logical decision-makers. But in divorce, we are often our own worst enemies. We get impatient. We get emotional. We want to react to a nasty text message by burning the house down.

I recently worked with a couple where I recommended the collaborative process specifically to save them from their own instincts.

The husband was a high-energy, "get it done" kind of guy. I knew that without a container, he would get impatient. He would try to force a settlement just to be done with it, likely making mistakes that would cost him thousands of dollars.

The wife had a different problem. She was terrified of conflict and had a very opinionated family who wanted to fight her battles for her.

I knew that if we left them exposed to the traditional litigation system, it would be a disaster. The husband would rush, the wife’s family would intervene, and they would end up in a court battle.

They needed a shell.

Structure Saves You

This is the paradox of a good divorce. You've got to give up control to retain control.

It sounds backward, doesn't it? But here is how it works.

When you sign a Collaborative Participation Agreement, you are voluntarily stepping into a box. You are agreeing that you cannot go to court. You are agreeing to full transparency. You are agreeing to follow a specific series of meetings.

You are giving up the freedom to act impulsively.

But as I told that client, the collaborative process provides structure and framework.

By accepting that structure, you prevent yourself from making the "big, dumb animal" mistakes that ruin divorces. You prevent yourself from hiding money out of fear. You prevent yourself from filing an aggressive motion just because you had a bad day.

The shell forces you to slow down and follow the roadmap.

Blocking the Noise

The other massive benefit of this "shell" is that it keeps the outside world out.

In a traditional divorce, everyone has an opinion. Your mother, your brother, your friends at the bar. They all want to tell you what you "should" be getting. They whisper in your ear that you are being taken advantage of.

If you don't have a strong process, that noise gets into the negotiation room.

But in a Collaborative Divorce, the team (the attorneys, the financial neutrals, the coaches) forms a barrier. We tell the family members: "We have this handled. We are following a specific process."

It protects the couple from the pressure to fight.

The Ultimate Control

If you are afraid that this "shell" means you are losing your autonomy, consider the alternative.

If you go to court, you lose 100% of the control of the process.

When you go to court, you don't have a shell. You have a judge. That judge decides your schedule. That judge decides your finances. That judge decides your future.

By choosing to build a collaborative shell, you are keeping the power where it belongs. You are keeping it with you and your spouse.

You are simply building a wall to keep the chaos out so you can actually hear each other speak.

So if you are worried that you or your spouse might implode during this process, don't rely on willpower. Rely on structure. Build a shell that is strong enough to contain the emotions so you can get to the other side intact.